supersize
by moon strut
Summary: Welcome to Fairy Burger; may I take your order? —natsu&lucy, crack


**thoughts: **Hello, crack — it's been a while.  
**warning: **OOC 'coz idgaf. & confusing semi-AU.

* * *

**supersize**

"For the last time, we don't serve kung pao chicken here."

Natsu glowered at the blue haired girl from behind the cash register as she read over the menu for the seventeenth time.

"What kind of fast food restaurant doesn't have kung pao chicken?" She demanded, hands on her hips.

"This is _Fairy Burger_, where we make—I don't know, BURGERS."

"I prefer Chinese cuisine, though."

"Then fuck—eat somewhere else!" He tapped his fingers on the counter impatiently.

"But can't you make an exception?" Levy pleaded, smiling cutely.

"No." Natsu was unamused.

She frowned and immediately changed her tone. "Well, looks like _someone_ is receiving a bad review on Yelp. No — even WORSE than bad. I'll give you a negative rating! The audacity — I come here on my only lunch hour, and this is the horrid service I get? I should—"_  
_

"My GOD," Natsu rubbed his throbbing head, "Just SHUT UP."

Levy froze and stared at him incredulously, mouth agape.

"_Thank you_," and he continued to mutter incoherent insults under his breath.

"Excuse me!? _What did you_—"

"I told you to stop your insistent whining, you insufferable harpy."

She was, of course, shocked at the atrocious lacking in the manners department, but more importantly, when had Natsu gotten so—so rich in vocabulary?

"Do you even know what 'insufferable' means?" She inquired.

Natsu paused, "No," he admitted, "But it's what Lucy always calls me so I thought that maybe it would apply to the whole situation."

She stared at him and blinked.

"Are you _done_ yet?" Gajeel appeared from practically no where, crossing his arms at Levy. "You dumbasses are holding up the line."

The solid script mage looked around. "But there is no line.

The iron dragon slayer scoffed. "There was when we got here AN HOUR AGO."

She groaned and pointed an accusing finger at Natsu, who in turn looked quite offended. "But he won't even properly take my order!"

"Che, do your fuckin' job right, Salamander." Gajeel muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'retard' — inaudible to everyone except for a certain pink haired dragon slayer with impeccable hearing.

"WE DON'T SERVE CHINESE FOOD HERE OKAY. Why don't you take your wench," Natsu waved his hand in Levy's direction, who looked less than pleased, "And go to, like, Panda Express or Mr. Chow or some shit."

"Fine." Gajeel shrugged and turned to leave.

"Gajeel!" The petite girl screeched, giving him the evil eye.

"What."

"Are you going to let him say those things about me!?"

"Yes."

Glare.

"I mean—no...?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Hey, you," Gajeel pointed at Natsu, who looked quite confused. "Don't talk to my girlfriend that way, or I'll—I'll steal your money."

"..."

"..."

"That's it? That is the extent of your love for me? He says hurftul things to me and you threaten to rob him in broad daylight — and of what, his lunch money? My mother was right — I should have chosen Jet!" Levy wailed.

"Can you—Can you shut her up, please?" Natsu gestured towards her.

"Che, you couldn't have just given her the damn chicken, could ya'?"

"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOUR CHICKEN—"

"Can you princesses please take your bitch fit out back — I'm getting a migraine." Gray suggested, poking his head out from the back of the kitchen.

"SHUT UP, GRAY. Your job is to maintain the fucking ice machine — SO YOU DO NOT GET A SAY OKAY." Natsu immediately screamed back, chucking an empty cup at him for good measure.

He dodged it skillfully and clicked his tongue."That's because I AM the ice machine, asswipe."

"Yeah, 'cause you can't do anything else, retard."

"Just wait 'til I get that promotion. Then we'll see who wears the pants around here."

"Obviously you don't, you goddamn exhibitionist."

Erza stepped out from the kitchen, dual-wielding two spatulas and sporting a frilly pink apron. "Natsu—" He looked up expectantly. "Shut up."

His face drained of color as he gaped in horror. Ignoring his reaction, the redhead turned towards Gray, who flinched suddenly. Gajeel and Levy also took this time to slowly inch their way out to find the nearest Panda Express.

"Gray, as your manager I would appreciate it if you would follow the dress code to some extent and at least put some clothes on."

The ice mage, unable to remember where (or when) in Fiore he had abandoned his clothes, haphazardly cut several holes in a garbage bag and proceeded to wear it. Natsu stifled his laughter with much difficulty, and Erza simply nodded in approval.

"And Lucy—" The stellar spirit mage squeaked and jumped, trying very hard up until this point to stay clear of anything Natsu-ish. She lamented, being dragged into it all despite her efforts. "Switch with Natsu. I expect you can deal with customers face-to-face with a more professional approach."

"Oh!" Gray's face lit up. "Can I switch—"

"No." And as he deflated, Erza promptly returned to her post at the grill.

* * *

Lucy sighed, weakly greeting the next customer in line.

"Hello, and welcome to Fairy Burger. May I take your order?" She recited while repeatedly turning around to glare daggers at Natsu, who was positioned at the drive-thru window, staring with dim eyes at the grease stain on the wall. He was more than likely sleeping.

"Yes, Juvia would like a number 6." The water mage smiled, a bit forcefully.

"Would that be the combo or the sandwich itself?"

"Juvia would like to remove the drink and the sandwich."

Lucy paused and looked up at the blue haired girl. "But then you'd just have the fries."

Juvia's expression changed as if she just had an epiphany. "Lucy is right! Juvia would like the fries removed as well."

The blonde stared at her. "Why would you order the number 6 if you wanted the entire meal removed?"

"Juvia would like something else instead of the fries."

Lucy smacked her forehead. "Just order a side dish, then."

"Okay! Juvia wants to order a side of mashed potatoes and Gray."

"I'm sorry—what was that?"

"Juvia said, she would like an order of mashed potatoes and gravy."

"..."

"..."

"Alrighty, well your total comes out to be 150 Jewels."

The water manipulator paid in cash, and quickly skipped out the door — probably to find a way into the vent system to spy on Gray in all his semi-naked glory.

The next customer stepped up, and Lucy stared in surprise — then again was it surprising?

"Beautiful, wonderful Lucy darling, it's so nice to see you. Your smile shines brighter than any celestial body in all universes." Loke winked at his owner.

"Thank you."

"Of course, my lovely Lucy. Aries and I wanted to eat something while we watch Netflix."

"You have Netflix in the Spirit World?" Lucy's eyebrows lifted in amusement.

"Yup. Actually, the Spirit King invented Netflix." Loke nodded, cupping his chin with a hand.

"Huh. Did not know that."

"So, I would like to order the two number 12 combos. Both will be medium, to-go, and make one drink Sprite and the other Sparkling Fairy Water."

Lucy nodded and punched in the order. "Your total comes out to be 1000 Jewels."

Loke coughed. "But I'm Loke—or Leo, the Lion Zodiac Spirit."

"Yes, I believe I've heard of you somewhere." The blonde rolled her eyes.

"You don't seem to understand—I shouldn't have to pay for anything."

Lucy's eyes narrowed. "And why not."

"I work hard as your loyal spirit! Shouldn't you honor our contract and start paying me rightfully?"

"Our contract has nothing to do with money."

The lion spirit leaned in. "I need a higher salary — how will I pay for the water bills?"

Lucy blinked. "Water bills?"

"Do you know how much water it takes to keep Aries' wool fluffy and bouncy and cuddly!? Do you see this mane?" He gestured to his styled orange hair. "It takes a lot of maintenance to be so lusterous and smooth. I mean look at this—" He picked up a lock of her golden tresses and rubbed it between his fingers. "This stack of wheat sitting on your head — these horrendous split ends, the evident lack of shine and moisture!"

Lucy gasped in horror and quickly pulled her hair from his grasp.

Loke sighed, eyes full of regret. "I'm afraid I'll have to go on strike, my love. Good bye for now, sweet Lucy." And he disappeared in a puff of golden magic.

She stood there, seething with anger and humiliation, as the next customer approached the counter.

"About time!" Cana flipped her hair over her shoulder.

Lucy eyed her curelean bikini top with thought.

"Cana, technically I'm not suppose to serve you unless you're wearing a shirt." She pointed at the sign on the wall reading 'No shoes, no shirt, no service.'

"I am wearing a shirt." The brunette scowled.

"Right."

"Where can a girl get some booze 'round here?"

"We don't sell liquor here. And besides, it's only 2 in the afternoon."

"Che," Cana sighed. "Gi'mme some o' that Root Beer then."

Lucy stared at her. "You DO realize Root Beer is non-alcoholic, right?"

"WHAT. Then why the fuck is the word 'beer' in there!?" The cards mage demanded.

The young Heartfilia girl merely sighed, feeling a strong urge to cry.

* * *

If there was anything Natsu hated more than working the front register, it would have to be Gray.

—And working the drive-thru window, he soon discovered.

He fiddled with the headset before settling down as he heard a car pull up.

"..."

"..."

". . ."

". . . ."

"Hello? Is anyone there?" The voice in the intercom hesitated.

"Yes." Natsu crossed his arms and waited.

"Oh—Aren't you supposed to like, greet me... Or something..."

"No. Now what do you want?"

"Um, I would like, uh, uhhh..."

"...?"

"The uhhhh... That—"

"Dude, do you need our menu in a different language or something?" Natsu's patience was running dangerously thin — not that he had much to begin with.

"You—You guys have that?" The voice sounded rather interested.

"Nope. So what will it be, man?"

"The number 2 combo sounds good... But so does the 9..."

Suddenly recognizing the voice, he pushed the microphone closer to his mouth. "Nab? Nab, is that you?"

"Huh—Oh, hi, Natsu!"

"Nab, bro, pleaseplease_please_, do me a favor and go away right now."

"But—but I'm hungry." Nab mumbled, dejected.

"Then hurry up and order!"

"Okay, I'll go with the number 9 then." Natsu rejoiced at this extremely rare, blissful moment and— "But doesn't the number 7 sound really good, also?" And it was gone.

Our favorite pyromaniac then proceeded to smash his head against the cash register.

* * *

Lucy shrieked in terror as she witnessed Natsu going apeshit on her _baby _and with his _head_ of all things. What was that idiot _doing_!?

A soft yet alarming touch on her hand jolted her back to her current position. She reeled back instantly at the sight of the all-too-familiar Ichiya from Blue Pegasus.

"Mehn~ How do you do, fair Lucy?" He half-bowed, wild orange hair flailing around.

"Fine, thank you."

"What, may I ask, is that lovely parfum?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"I believe that is the smell of sweat, grease, and homeless men." Lucy nodded.

"Lovely as ever."

"Indeed."

"And where is my beautiful Titania?" Ichiya searched around for a glimpse of his beloved. Somewhere in the back, a certain redhead froze and twitched uncontrollably.

"Busy. _So_, how can I help you?"

"Oh, do not be mistaken, dear Lucy. I'm not here to order—"

"Then by all means, the exit is right over there." The celestial spirit mage interrupted, pointing at the door.

"—I came here to further promote the hair salon that the Trimens and I have opened up down the street." He continued as if she had not spoken at all.

Lucy raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What's it called? Let me guess—the word 'Pegasus' is in there somewhere."

"Actually it's called Beasty Cuts." Ichiya explained, giving an understanding nod.

"Is that so."

"The man who put up our sign spelled 'Beauty' wrong, and no one felt like fixing it, so we kept it."

"What a life-altering story." Her every reply was dripping with sarcasm. And boredom. Mostly boredom.

"Oh, and I also came to let Salamander know that we've restocked on his regular order of 'Bubblegum Princess' hair dye—" Natsu, who had sputtered and choked on his own spit at this piece of information, promptly flew and kicked the older man so hard, he was launched through the glass doors and into the Strauss sibling's bar across the street.

Lucy could only stare incredulously at the shattered fragments that were once doors and at her partner (who brushed himself off as if nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred) and then back at the doorway again.

Natsu then turned to the blond mage, who jumped surprise, and leaned in so close their noses were touching. His crazed, dark eyes pierced deep into hers, as he calmly offered, "Nothing strange just happened. You didn't hear anything from Ichiya. In fact, if anyone asks about the door, tell them that he and his team of fags came here and smashed our glass with frozen tunas. FROZEN TUNAS OKAY." Lucy nodded violently. "And if you ever say otherwise about ANY of these things, I'm—I'M GOING TO MOLEST YOU."

And just like that, everything was back to normal. The pink-haired boy stretched his arms and yawned. "Well, Luce, I'll be taking a nap in the oven if you need me."

Lucy slid to the grimy linoleum floor and attempted to make sense of what just happened.

* * *

"Lucy," Erza began, emerging from the back while wiping her industrial spatulas clean of grease and bits of food. "What happened to the door?"

The blonde could only tremble, knees knocking against each other. What was she to do? Here she was, stuck between Natsu's sexual harassment threat (that didn't sound too bad, to be honest) and Erza. Correction: Erza with sharp kitchen utensils.

—Actually, she wouldn't be surprised if the redheaded ex-quipper could behead someone with a soup ladle.

Lucy mumbled, hating that she was lying, and to Erza of all people. "Frozen tunas... And uh, Tri—Trimens... Ichiya—"

"You can stop right there," the older girl held a hand up, eyebrow twitching very slightly. "More importantly, where is Natsu?"

The stellar spirit mage stopped cold — what if Natsu didn't want anyone to know that he was sleeping on the job? What if he found out that she let Erza know!? OH GOD, WAS SHE GOING TO GET MOLESTED!?

Erza raised a delicate eyebrow at her friend's odd reaction.

"He's in the oven. Again." Gray also appeared from the back, (once again) missing his clothes — Or rather, garbage bag attire. The older female sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She muttered strings of inaudible complaints and went off to retrieve the fire dragon slayer.

"Gray!" Lucy screeched in a hushed tone.

"What."

"Why did you tell Erza where Natsu is!"

"'Cause I don't like him." He explained, deadpan.

"But now he's gonna molest me!"

The ice mage blinked once. "What."

"My purity and innocence are going to be prematurely shattered into hundreds of thousands of pieces and—and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" She screamed in a whispering voice, shaking him violently with her hands wrapped around his neck. Gray choked out strangled protests.

They both froze as Natsu screamed bloody murder from the back kitchen, color draining from their faces. Oh the awful punishment Erza was eliciting on the poor boy. Lucy shrieked, watching as he crawled out from the shadows, the side of his face and his hands stained red.

"Help..."

"OH GOD, HE'S BLEEDING, GRAY." She continued to tighten her grip on him, shaking violently. "GRAY, DO SOMETHING — NATSU'S GONNA DIE!"

But the dark haired boy had already passed out, face turning a pale blue due to lack of oxygen. So Lucy groaned in frustration and gently laid him down, quickly moving to Natsu's side. She picked him up and carefully put his head on her lap, surveying the injury.

"Natsu, from where are you bleeding!" She panicked. "What did Erza do to you!?"

"It's not blood," he explained. "It's ketchup."

"What."

"Erza slammed my head onto a table, and there were ketchup packets on it."

"So you're not gonna die."

"I guess not."

Lucy blinked and resisted the strong urge to push him off her lap, but seeing as he was already hurt, she let it slide — just this once.

* * *

The blonde mage was vaguely aware of the wads of balled up napkins being tossed at her. She also noticed the insistent whispers from a certain salmon haired boy calling out her name in hushed tones. Her eyebrow twitched as she slowly glanced in his direction just so he would _stop. _

"What." She ground out.

"You are amazing. You are so awesome and pretty, and I appreciate you very much." He offered a grateful smile.

"What do you _really _want, Natsu?"

"I have a tiny problem. Like, it's so small — smaller than Gray's dic—"

"OKAY," she quickly interrupted. "Just show me what it is."

He led her to the kitchen area in the back, and Lucy almost had a heart attack at the sight before her. There was mashed up meat smeared all over the tiled walls, one grill was completely split in two, and all the oil from the fryers had spilled on the floor. She didn't even have to ask what happened because she already knew — _Natsu _happened.

"Why. Why did Erza put you on kitchen duty. You are Natsu. And yet she gave you this job."

"Where is she, anyway?" He wondered.

"In the front, flirting with Jellal." She pointed towards the front.

"Good, at least she's busy. So... What do we do?"

"_We__?_"

"Well, you were supposed to be supervising me, Miss I-was-supposed-to-be-supervising-Natsu."

"Creative."

"Now's not the time to be bitching at me, Lucy."

"WHAT. I was _not _'bitching' at you!"

"You're doing it right now."

"I am _not._ We are having a heated discussion OKAY. GOD, you are _insufferable._" She jabbed her finger in his chest.

"See, there you go using that word again!" He smacked her hand away.

"Because you ARE." Jab. Smack. Jab. Smack. Jab. Smack.

"..."

"..."

"Wanna go make out in the freezer?"

She blinked at him. "Yes."

* * *

Gray woke up on the cold, dirty floor, alone and pretty much naked. Slowly, he stood and braced himself, trying to remember what in Earthland happened. Sighing, he made his way to the back — the only place he could be comfortable in that damned restaurant. Walking over to the freezer, he gently opened the door, basking in the chilly air that seeped out.

And then he screamed.

* * *

Everything was thrown into pandemonium and utter chaos.

A mortified Gray, yelling at the top of his lungs — something about 'sucking face in the freezer' — came sprinting out to the front, showcasing his 'goods' to everyone in the restaurant. Erza quickly disposed of him, destroying much of the counter in the process. A young Wendy was traumatized, and a very displeased Charle was trying to console her. Happy sat eating a frozen tuna, commenting on Gray's perversion and licentious behavior to Macao and Wakaba who nodded in agreement. Elfman bellowed out something about public display of the genitals being manly and promptly received a kick to the shin by an irritated Evergreen. And somehow, somewhere along the line, another Fairy Tail rumble ensued.

And by the end of the day when Makarov and Mirajane returned to Fairy Burger, the old master almost had a heart attack as his beloved investment became nothing more than a large obstructing pile of rubble.

Unbeknownst to all, midway throughout the discord and confusion, Natsu and Lucy walked home, hand in hand, to watch Netflix and to make out.

Especially to make out.

* * *

**ending notes: **You see why I don't write crack!romance anymore?  
Also, I'm currently accepting drabble requests. PM me with the pairing & the prompt.

Reviews make me spasm with joy, jsyk.


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